I was recently confronted by a Gestalt colleague with this statement: Aren’t there many definitions of respect? The question stunned me. I realized I have a body sense of what is feels like to be respected and a body understanding of what another person means when they let me know they do not feel respected by me. These are times that I listen attentively to their truth of the experience and make what amends are possible.
One of our Gestalt elders directed me to a TED talk on the theme of vulnerability which is not a word we use in Gestalt, but which underlies the foundation of what we do. We don’t use the word in class because in the popular understanding it means to be wounded. What we teach our students is to be “porous”, meaning to let the other’s responses to us get beneath our skin, even if it hurts, without defensiveness, which is our protection from hurt.
If you have ever asked a friend: what do you think of me? Then you know the tension that can hang in the air while you wait for a reply. We long for some appreciation or awareness of how good a friend we are, how “just” a human being, how interesting is our character, and at the same time we quiver with apprehension that our deepest fears and doubts about ourselves are about to be exposed. Well this blog is not about that — in the blunt words of one of my friends: “Enough about you!”
Hard as it is to ask the question above, I am asking you to imagine asking instead: How am I doing with you? This question opens the door to our interactions — to the other person.
As the season changes to the caressing comforts of spring and we are called on by budding nature to feel hopeful and light hearted, it can be shocking to feel boredom. It seems as if we are co-creating a world of reaction, resistance, avoidance, distraction, opportunities, intentions (keep adding all of your favorite pastimes — I am in the process of learning basic Klingon for a disowned parts party) as a major hedge against the potential onset of boredom. Since we spend so much energy avoiding boredom (healing from any addictive pattern requires facing the dread of boredom) I thought it would be useful to face it straight on with an exploratory approach. In the Gestalt world this means putting our interest into boredom.
My teacher Jorge Rosner had a simple approach for transforming the I should’s (but I don’t wanna) of life. He told us: When you are facing an inner struggle between Act and Afraid to Act, Just ask yourself: Will I or won’t I? And then: What’s the worst that can happen if I do or I don’t? He recommended we imagine the worst possible outcome, and only then decide I will or I won’t.